


Missing

by Sandylee007



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Depressed Magnus Bane, Depression, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai, Worried Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-05 03:25:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17911106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sandylee007/pseuds/Sandylee007
Summary: 'The most terrifying part was that Magnus himself seemed to be missing.'Alec could see that Magnus was struggling with losing his magic. But he has no idea how badly until he comes home from work to a horrifying sight. Alec does his best to help, but is it enough? Especially when Magnus is hiding something even more terrifying.                       MALEC ONESHOT                 TRIGGER WARNING FOR SEVERE DEPRESSION





	Missing

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Missing](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/459668) by Sandylee007. 



> I'm excited about the new episodes, SO EXCITED! SO, of course, my mind decided to create a HORRIBLY dark fic, LOL.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: Me… no… own. IF ONLY profit was made out of this! Would seriously help pay for my shopping…
> 
> WARNINGS: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS – we're about to dive into some VERY dark waters, so I must give a strong trigger warning. Depression. Emotional pain and suffering. You know, that kind of fun stuff…
> 
> (To those who have read my story 'Rain, Rain, Go Away', this can be considered a sequel for that. BUT, this is definitely a stand-alone story.)
> 
> Uh… Is ANYONE still out there? Because here we go. Brace yourselves, and hopefully you'll enjoy the ride!

Magnus said that he was fine, over and over again. And far too long Alec fell for the act. Because the warlock could be a phenomenal actor when he felt he had to be.

Alec's observational skills weren't helped by everything being so overwhelming that he didn't have time to think. First there was his own injury. After that work was busy and promised to be for a while after the kind of a chaos Lilith caused. Then there was Jace, who was aching horribly from everything that happened. As well as Clary's… being gone.

Through all that Magnus was his rock, despite his own devastating loss. The warlock helped him in his recovery from the Owl's attack. Worked tirelessly to ensure that he was healing properly and had everything he needed. When Alec was finally allowed to start training himself to shape for active duty he realized that he wasn't able to approach arrows without flinching and recoiling. The memory of one of them nearly killing him was far too raw and tender. Magnus supported him again, with calm words and reassurances. They celebrated quietly with a kiss when he finally managed to fire his first arrow since the harrowing incident. Miraculously they even got Clary back. For a while things seemed to be settling to a new, bizarre type of normal. The problems began when Magnus imagined that he was no longer needed.

While Alec was regrettably slow to pick up on things sometimes, he wasn't blind. Smudged makeup… Improperly done hair… Failed attempts at making breakfast… Hands that twitched from frustration and longing… Of course he saw it all, when he finally looked.

The Shadowhunter also noticed that something was missing from their intimacy. Their kisses were fleeting and anything… further than that was pretty much out of the question. Magnus was keeping him at arm's length and pushing him away. And it hurt and scared Alec so much that great many times he gritted his teeth to keep himself from lashing out. After a few weeks he'd been doing so often enough to have his jaw feel sore.

The most terrifying part was that Magnus himself seemed to be missing. It was like Asmodeus stole even more than his magic. Alec kept waking up to an empty bed. Perhaps lack of sleep and stress were why Magnus began to forget things and appeared absentminded. Alec also noticed that while Magnus prepared him a meal after another, he rarely caught his boyfriend eating. He wished that he would've had the time to arrange more dinners together. Just to make sure that Magnus looked after himself, too. The magicless warlock joked and moved around as gracefully as he always had, but none of it seemed to come from his heart. There was one occasion when Magnus whirled away from him with one of those mask-smiles, forgetting about a mirror. Through it Alec saw the true emotions shining through. And felt the other's pain as tangibly as he experienced Jace's.

Alec wanted to fix things, wanted to fix the man he loved, desperately. But he had no idea what to do. So he did the exact opposite of what he should've and let Magnus push him away. Took distance, because it was more painless than facing the ghost the warlock had become.

It didn't take long before he came to regret his cowardice.

When Alec came home far too late one evening the apartment was disconcertingly dark. He frowned. "Magnus?" Had the man gone out? Then far more unpleasant possibilities flooded to his mind, filling him with urgency. "Mag…!" The name froze into his throat when he stepped further inside.

Alec saw an open bathroom door. From there he found shards of a shattered mirror. Along with droplets of blood. It looked like Magnus tried to clean up the mess before cutting himself. (Accidentally, the Shadowhunter told himself.) He smelled an already almost faded reek of vomit.

Alec's anxiety mounted, hastening his steps. He was on his way to the kitchen when a cool breeze revealed that he'd missed another open door upon arrival. As well as the dark shadow standing there, back towards him.

Sometimes on a hunt Alec got this feeling. His skin crawled, cold spreading through his veins. It never signaled anything good. He felt exactly the same right at that moment.

Alec swallowed, even though his mouth had gone painfully dry. "Magnus?" One step, two. He was scared of what advancing too quickly might do. "I… saw the bathroom. Are you okay?"

There was no response from the tense, trembling man. By then Alec was close enough to see that Magnus was squeezing the balcony's railing so hard that his knuckles had lost all color. The chilling sight made his heart stop for a few beats. Suddenly advancing slowly wasn't an option anymore.

Magnus shuddered when he wrapped his arms around the smaller man's waistline. For a long moment Magnus's hold on the railing tightened in a horrible longing. Then, slowly and achingly reluctantly, the grip began to loosen.

Alec didn't realize that he'd been holding his breath until then. "What are you doing, huh?" He failed to keep his tone calm and even. He did his best to wrap himself as much as he could around the body that seemed terrifyingly fragile all of a sudden. "It's cold out here."

Magnus shrugged, unable to find his voice.

That was when Alec's eyes spotted the phone on the floor and he came to a realization that made his stomach twist from guilt. He risked loosening one of the arms holding Magnus steady long enough to check his own phone. He found ten unanswered calls and felt his heart break.

Magnus had needed him, and he was too busy with work to notice…!

Alec swallowed thickly, his eyes stinging. He tightened his hold on his beloved once more. "You were waiting for me, weren't you?"

Once again he got no answer. His heart shattering even further, Alec began to steer them inside. Desperate to get Magnus as far from the railing as possible. Which was when he noticed the blood stains the other man's hands left. They chilled him, but also gave him something concrete to focus on. At least there was something he could do…! "Let's get away from here", he encouraged. "We need to check those hands of yours."

Magnus didn't protest. Only submitted to whatever would be done to him numbly. The lack of will was the most painful part of all.

Fetching water and other necessary supplies took longer than Alec felt he had. As quickly as he rushed back to the living room, he feared that he took too long. It felt wrong to sigh in relief when he found Magnus sitting exactly where he left his boyfriend. They were equally quiet when he pried tightly clenched fingers open to inspect the damage, then got to work. The wounds the mirror left weren't deep but there were many of them. Treating them had to hurt yet Magnus didn't even twitch.

With the deepest gash helpless fury got the best of Alec and he shook his head. Under different circumstances he might've paused to wonder why his eyes blurred for a while. "Why would you do this to yourself?"

So long had passed by without a reaction that he jumped when Magnus eventually murmured softly, barely audibly. "It's… foolish. I fell asleep and had a dream, of…" The words faded for a long time. Dark, haunted eyes refused to look his way. "I came back too late. And watched you die, unable to do anything."

Alec's chest clenched. He would've squeezed the other's hand comfortingly, if it wasn't for the cuts. "Is that why you tried to call me?" he asked softly. Of course he already knew the answer, and cursed himself.

Magnus nodded slowly. Still not looking at him. "I woke up, and… You weren't there. I… got confused. I thought the dream…" The older man choked, or perhaps gagged. "Stupid, I know."

Alec shook his head firmly. "Not stupid. Just a bad dream. But, hey…" He brushed Magnus's cheek gently and was dismayed to earn a tense tremor. "I'm right here."

Those words didn't have the comforting impact he'd been hoping for. Magnus swallowed thickly, hollow eyes fixed on their hands. "What if I'm not?" The warlock curled his fingers although it had to hurt. "What use am I to you like this? To anyone? I don't even recognize myself anymore." That admission explained the broken mirror. It took several long, agonizing moments before Magnus was able to continue. When he did he seemed ashamed of himself. "I… I feel so cold, and hollow. My magic… It's been with me, a part of me, for hundreds of years. All my life. And, without it… All those years…" The man struggled to find the words. "I feel them all, Alexander, stretching me thin. I'm exhausted, and in pain. All the time. And I… I want it to stop. I need it to stop."

Alec didn't know how to respond. What could one possibly say to something like that? He was so close to tears that it was a miracle none spilled. By then he was done with treating his boyfriend's wounds and noticed that his own hands were shaking. "How can I help?" Just like once before, he needed Magnus to tell him how to fix this, how to make things better.

And just like then, Magnus could only shake his head, eyes so full of agony that it tore at Alec.

Alec cleared his throat. Determined to stay strong, because one of them had to. "I'll get you a glass of water. And painkillers. I'll be right back." For the second time that day he hoped and prayed that Magnus would be waiting when he got back.

On his way to the kitchen he stopped and looked over his shoulder. "For what it's worth… You're not useless. I love you. And…" He took a deep breath. "I'll do everything I can to help you get your magic back. And if we can't… Then we'll figure it out. Together." He waited for a response. When none came, he pushed himself forward. Because on a day like that staying in motion was the only thing keeping him from falling apart.

He was already in the kitchen when Magnus replied. Eyes still downcast. "I love you, too."

/

Magnus stared at his hands. They were battered and cold. Lifeless. He shivered at the final word. Catarina's voice echoed in his head.

/ "Magnus, you have to tell him!" /

He just tried to. Only to stop on the last moment. How was Alec supposed to know that he meant every word he forced out literally? That losing his magic and immortality was actually tearing him apart, shredding him mercilessly. That it was only a matter of time before he'd be nothing but dust.

Magnus's shoulders sagged from defeat and such weariness he felt even in his bones.

He couldn't tell Alec that he was actually dying, could he? Not when letting him go to Edom was already torturing the Shadowhunter. More than once he'd heard Alec crying and whimpering anxious apologies in his sleep, calling out his name, begging him to wait. So, like the idiot he was, he'd stall the inevitable for as long as he could.

Magnus made his decision, and now they were both paying for it. On days like this he felt a nearly overwhelming urge to speed up to the process his father started to spare them both. And to not grant Asmodeus the satisfaction of him fading away slowly and painfully.

Even on these worst days Magnus had no regrets. But he had a lot of bitterness. He'd always known that even he'd die eventually. But why did it have to be when he would've finally had so much to live for?

Perhaps tomorrow he'd have the strength to fight his hardest to make the most of whatever little time he had. Like he swore to himself he'd do when his impending fate sunk in. But that endless, pitch-black evening Magnus was grateful for the warm blanket and the loving arm wrapped around him. Because the balcony's call was still a little too strong.

**Author's Note:**

> So… Yeah. That was DARK. DANG, the poor boys! (whimpers) Magnus is obviously the on suffering the most from this, but this is torture on Alec, too. And to imagine that the worst is yet to come…! (shudders)
> 
> SO… What do you say? Was that ANY good, at all? PLEASE, do let me know! I LOVE hearing from you.
> 
> In any case… Thank you so much for reading! And HOORAY to the new episodes we'll see VERY soon! (BEAMS) (LOL, feels weird to type something happy after this story.)
> 
> Take care!


End file.
